Feb 19, 2021

Im tired. I feel as if every effort I have ever made is slowly going to waste and my hands are too slow to grasp the lingering sense of emotions. I don’t cry. I don’t feel sad, rather I feel drained. I wish I had a reason. A reason to be upset. A real one. My grades are dropping. First thing in the new semester I receive a B. My parents are disappointed beyond belief, hell, Im disappointed too. What was I thinking? I miss the carefree days of a child. I hate the consistent worrying of Colleges and Life. I had never planned to make it past age 20, truly. Now that I have seen other aspects of life worth living I have to pick myself up from the dirt and pull myself together. I wish I had a defined plan. I wish someone would sit down and tell me that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling, and it's okay to do what I want. I want to study Philosophy. The greeks and the Romans. Its incaptivating. Their lifestyle. It’s a jump out of this tiny world of dread, and into a world where everything is at this high standard of beauty and magnificence. I want to major in Philosophy and the classics, but I know that I will not make it out with a good job and a stable income. My parents wont let me forget too. It’s exhausting. I want my life to be my own but at the same time I, too, would not forgive myself if I studied Classics and did not get a good job. I'm tired. Tired. What does that word mean? Ive used it so much that I’ve lost grasp and connection to the true meaning. Maybe I mean numb. Im numb.